Into another intensity
Fishing, holidays, and what we do with our lives
what i’m up to
I’m currently listening to a chill playlist my brother made just for me on Spotify, sitting on my rooftop back home in Phnom Penh after spending five-ish blissful days back in the islands (As Gandalf said once, “I strayed out of thought and time” while there). The skyline of the city unfurls around me now, beautifully uneven and chaotic. I love that here the residential mingles with the business, the massively tall building stands alongside the short little houses. I never bore of looking around.
Yesterday I spent the day in the Cambodian countryside with a friend, digging for crabs and wading/walking through rice paddies to fish. She invited me to join her and her restaurant staff on an outing to go fishing and crabbing and enjoy drinks and BBQ back in the village where she grew up and with her extended family. All told, it was about 13 hours of fun and mud and dust with a successful catch of fish, avoiding being pinched by crabs (mostly), finding some bonus snails and frogs, and enjoying a good BBQ and tractor ride afterward through the surrounding hillside. I definitely slept hard and well last night!
what i’m thinking
There’s so much I’ve been thinking about; the usual year-end reflections and processing; the being here and still in COVID for the holidays; and the “where will I be in 2022” questions (answer: it’s still a mystery). Betty White also just died, and it’s pretty amazing that someone could live to days before turning 100 and the whole world still feels like they needed more time with her. A 30-year-old woman I knew was also just struck and killed while jogging in a hit-and-run situation, and it is so hard to see her life, however full and shining, snuffed out so abruptly, senselessly, and soon. So my thoughts are really tied in right now with what it means to lead a good life, to have no regrets, and to live life to the fullest - while respecting the environment, being mindful of others, and not taking foolish risks.
Spending the holidays with two beautiful souls in a rustic resort on an isolated beach on a lonely little island in the Gulf of Thailand this past week was just the thing I needed. We spent our time swimming, lazing, reading, writing, painting, making and enjoying music, dancing, and delighting in the wonder of the world and each other. (There may have also been one terror-inducing evening when wildlife got just a little too close for comfort - but that’s a story for another time!)
I feel a little more connected to my deep core after those restorative days; a little less risk-averse; and a lot more in tune with the deep magic that pervades the world, which can be so beautiful and is so full to bursting with the glorious, terrifying chaos of life.
On my mind right now is T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets, and specifically, the 2nd Quartet, “East Corker,” of which I share this beautiful snippet:
Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning.
So here’s to the beautiful and sorrowful beginnings and endings and beginnings again, because beginnings and endings are constant, and beauty is so closely woven and tied to sorrow rather than its opposite.
Here’s to 2021 and 2022 and to cherishing the burning flame in each of us.
And a candle lit in memory of those who have gone; those we have loved, lost, or let go.
what i’m reading
I’m not actually reading T.S.Eliot at the moment, but I rather think I may give the Four Quartets another run-through soon, just as a matter of reflection and meditation. I am finishing up a different book of poetry right now called Questions for Ada and it burns so brightly it is positively scalding. I’m not sure how much more I’ll have to say about it after finishing it, because it may take a while to sift through and unravel. But needless to say, it’s incredibly powerful and really should be a literary must-read, too. Check it out!
what i’m learning
I am learning a lot about myself right now; about what really brings me joy or contentment, what does or doesn’t satisfy me, and how long or short that satisfaction lasts. I’m seeing how easy it can be to shift from our true selves into a close resemblance and I’m excited to learn not how we as human beings can make that resemblance disappear and “go back” to who we were “once,” but rather, how to fold the new version of ourselves into our core until we are a fuller being, shining ever more brightly for the newest facet.
what/where I’m eating
I enjoyed a New Year’s Eve day celebration at Seekers Spirit House here in Phnom Penh (delicious gin!) and brought some leftovers of the pig roast home with me. Last night I turned those into a delicious open-faced, gluten-free sandwich by sauteeing the meat with garlic, a creamy horseradish cheese, cheddar, and a homemade sauce (rum, mustard, tomato paste, garlic, salt, palm sugar, vinegar, soy sauce, and a few other spices/seasonings). And today I enjoyed a gluten-free margherita pizza from My Friend’s Cafe and Bakery.
Ingredients for meals in the islands often have to be ported over from the mainland, so you don’t typically go there expecting gourmet meals. As a gluten-free Celiac, though, I am always so grateful to find options (let alone variety) that are tasty and safe. I usually carry my own gluten-free oyster sauce and soy sauce every trip I take, and where we stayed, the chef used them to make me my own delicious seafood dishes. Squid, crab, and prawns were all amazing (especially when we got them fresh!), and I ate my little island-girl heart out on all the seafood. #sohappy
what i’m making
I did six paintings whilst on holiday last week, and another quick one yesterday after the fishing trip but before returning home. I’m on a quest this week (and/or next) to find a place in the city and see if I can do prints from a few of them and get some matted and framed. We shall see!!
